Radical Vulnerability (Part 1 of 2)
Many of you are likely wondering why I decided to start this blog, and why I'm so open about the things I've gone through. I often ask myself the same questions.
Much of what I've written about for public consumption is so close and personal that, not so long ago, I could scarcely discuss it with those nearest and dearest to me.
Like Gollum in The Lord of the Rings, those secrets were my "Precious" and I kept them close to my heart, even as they consumed me from the inside out.
When I began writing, I did so because I had a message to share. And I knew that it would involve me being brutally open and honest about what I'd been through.
But none of those experiences were exclusive to me. They are nearly universal and deeply intertwined with the human condition. And all the feedback I've received from readers confirms that reality.
I hoped that others might see aspects of themselves reflected in my writing and, possibly, find some measure of personal understanding and even healing.
Still, getting to the point of being able to share has been a journey of epic proportions.
Like a Rock
From a young age, I took on the role of protector and “fixer” for my family.
Money was always tight and it hurt to see the strain it put on my parents. When I was in sixth grade, I often skipped school on Fridays to go clean houses with my mom. She was happy for the help and it made me feel good to contribute.
During adolescence, my brother Jeremy would occasionally get fed up and run away from home (though he never got far) and I would always take it upon myself to go after him and cajole him into returning.
I left Alaska when I was eighteen and carried with me the guilt that I was leaving my brothers behind. Despite the issues I was facing, I blamed myself for not being there to support them as they grew.
After establishing my business in Switzerland, I was able to bring over two of my younger brothers and my best friend to work with me. But instead of just being grateful to have them here and happy that I could offer them such an experience, I also felt responsible for their happiness and wellbeing.
The net effect of decades of these thoughts and behaviors was that I began to see myself as a pillar of security and stability for those close to me.
If I was not able to project a powerful, fearless demeanor then the people around me might begin to see my weaknesses and lose faith in me.
Once I had children of my own and began to understand the responsibility that came with them, my need to be perceived as a rock only grew stronger. I became convinced that my friends and family would love and respect me only if they saw my strengths and were oblivious to my weaknesses.
This programming had gone deep and become hardwired into the core of my being. I forbade myself from showing vulnerability and forced myself to show a positive, upbeat façade to the world.
This was exceptionally difficult because I absolutely felt vulnerable, weak and uncertain.
I just did my best to hide it from others. And I was a very good actor.
Still, this was a fool’s errand because anyone who spent enough time with me could see the cracks forming under the surface.
My brothers would hesitate to venture into my office because of the cold-eyed stare of death I leveled at them when they dared interrupt me. Normally mild-mannered, I began to take things personally and obsess over perceived slights, even if they were decades old.
Perversely, because I was outwardly successful in life, I couldn't bear the idea of people that I cared about knowing how much I was struggling underneath.
The idea of showing my vulnerability was anathema to me.
At the same time, it became more and more clear what a lie I was living. My internal and external worlds were not congruent, and it was causing a massive strain on my spirt and psyche. Gradually, I began to identify all the ways I was lying to myself and the actions I was taking which were not in accord with my true wishes, desires and values.
This awareness was an absolute revelation and was key in helping me shed the layers that were covering my authentic self.
Authenticity and Vulnerability
I’ve always been highly motivated to develop and improve myself, but the idea of authenticity had never been important to me because I'd never even considered the possibility that I was playing a role rather than being myself.
With this revelation came a much clearer understanding of why I was still struggling in so many areas of life: In many ways I was living to satisfy or impress others rather than myself.
I absolutely had something to prove and the satisfaction of being right was enough to mask many of the issues that came with my unbalanced life. Over time though, as the imbalance grew along with my success, I could no longer ignore the obvious conclusion that I had gotten off track and needed to make fundamental changes if I was going to experience true happiness and fulfillment.
Being fully honest with myself was a great start. Being honest with others was the next logical step.
Unfortunately, it would take the suicide of a dear friend to make that possible.
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Next week I'll wrap up this story then move to bi-weekly posting. I know I've dropped a lot of heavy content over the past month. It was important to lay the groundwork and make my motivations clear, and I appreciate all the support and encouragement I've received along the way.