Radical Vulnerability (Part 2 of 2)

In late January of 2015 I received word that my dear friend Franz had committed suicide. I’m sure it’s appalling anytime you hear that someone has decided to end their own life, but I was especially bewildered because he'd never given me any indication that something was wrong.

He had called me on my birthday a few weeks prior and was his usual jovial self. In retrospect, I think he was calling to say goodbye.

I immediately began to question what I could have done differently. What could I have said or what action could I have taken that might have prevented this disaster from happening?

And why had he literally chosen death over asking for help? If only he'd been willing to open up, perhaps someone would have been able to give him the support he needed.

Why had he kept all his problems to himself?

As I ruminated on his silence, I slowly came to the realization that I'd been doing exactly the same thing.

Because of my material success and outwardly positive demeanor, my friends assumed that my inner world was as tranquil as the exterior picture I projected.

It was time to destroy the illusion.

I had decided to share with them, and I wanted to do it the right way. I was still struggling in many areas of life, but I also couldn't ignore the tangible improvements I'd made.

Slowly but surely, I'd used the forge of my mind and the crucible of my body to mold myself into someone I could be proud of. But there had been real struggles along the way, and I had to assume that at least some of my friends were fighting similar battles.

I'd seen the tragic outcome of Franz’s struggle in silence and I vowed that I would do whatever I could to ensure it never happened to another friend or loved one.

The point wasn't to bitch and moan about the difficulties I'd been through (or was still experiencing), or to pat myself on the back for having gotten through them. The point was to be open and honest about the hard times, what I'd done to get through them, or what I was currently doing to deal with the issues that remained.

The point was to be vulnerable.

And with that vulnerability came a new level of authenticity that I could only have dreamt of.

The reaction was immediate and profoundly positive.

My false cloak of invincibility had, in many ways, cut me off from those closest to me. My relationships could never achieve a truly deep and profound level because I'd been unwilling to share the deepest parts of myself. Once I opened up to my friends, they felt comfortable doing the same with me.

Opening Up

A few months after talking about these things with a close friend, I got a call from him. He was desperately unhappy with his job and felt like his life was stagnating. He knew he needed a major change but didn't know what to do.

He told me that because I'd been willing to talk with him about my struggles, he felt comfortable doing the same.

I was able to offer him some guidance and, a couple years on, his life and the way he feels about it are completely different. In truth, I didn't do much but listen and let him know he wasn’t alone.

And in the years since, I've had two other friends open up to me about their hardships, depression and suicidal thoughts. Those are conversations that almost certainly never would have happened had I not been willing to be honest first.

Those experiences, and everything that came from them, are the real reasons I started this blog.

Life can make all of us feel vulnerable and helpless. The question is whether we choose to deal with it on our own terms or allow life to dictate the terms to us.

And when we are open about our challenges, it gives others permission to do the same.

I'm not suggesting that everyone needs to be as public as me. Or that you launch into a litany of your issues whenever someone asks how you're doing.

I am asking, though, that you at least consider the possibility that your trials can be a source of strength, and not weakness. Even if you decide not to share with anyone, simply reframing your experiences in your own mind can help bring peace and healing.

If you can't be open and vulnerable with others, at least be open and vulnerable with yourself.

Healing Wounds

The Sufi poet Rumi wrote, "The wound is the place where the light enters you".

I remember reading those words for the first time. I understood them conceptually, but I didn't really feel them. Now I do.

As difficult as it's been for me to share these intimate details, the catharsis that's come with doing so has more than made up for it. I wouldn't be who I am without those trials and tribulations, and I'm truly grateful that I can share the experiences with all of you.

If you're having difficulties, find a friend or loved one you can turn to. If you don’t have anyone in your life like that, find a support group to help.

As I said in the opening, these are human problems and you're not alone, even if it feels that way.

We're all connected, and the only way out is through.

With love and gratitude,

Ryan

Rest in peace, Franz. We love and miss you.

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Thank you all for reading and I'll be back in a couple weeks.