The Power of Presence
I attended a house party in Boston once in my early twenties. I went with a couple friends and didn't know anyone else there. Almost the only thing that stands out to me about the night was the brief moment I was introduced to the host. He offered me a limp, distracted handshake then immediately lost interest and was turning away before I had even finished introducing myself.
He didn't know me and had no obligation to give me his time or attention. To him, I was just another stranger standing in his kitchen and drinking his beer.
Still, the brushoff felt dehumanizing. I'd never been summarily dismissed from someone's attention like that and it startled me. And it obviously made an impression since I’m writing about it almost two decades later.
The other thing I remember about that house party is that, at some point in the evening, someone crept into the host's room and stole his laptop. It wasn't me, but I do sometimes wonder if it was another "stranger" the host had brushed off and who had taken the insult more personally than I did.
FROM BAD TO WORSE
Unfortunately, for many people, things have only gone downhill since. According to a study published by Microsoft in 2015, the average human attention span fell from 12 seconds in 2000 to 8 seconds in 2015, less than that of a goldfish. My house party experience happened around 2004, when mobile phones were already ubiquitous but before the launch of the first iPhone in 2007. I sincerely doubt things have improved in the last five years.
So, is there a useful takeaway or was I just being overly sensitive?
The reality is that while connection through technology has permeated the fabric of our existence, we are still fundamentally feeling creatures. We crave attention, recognition and a sympathetic ear. Instagram followers and Facebook friends may offer some shallow corollary, but it's not the same as being with a living, breathing, human being.
But being together with someone is not at all the same thing as being present with them.
And our tech enabled lifestyle ensures that distractions are ever present. That tech is, in fact, designed to trigger the dopamine receptors in our brains which keep us locked to our phones like a gambling junky that needs just one more pull on the slot machines.
That may be a reasonable cause for the distraction, but it's not an excuse.
We all have control over our own mind, if we have the audacity to grab on tight and wrestle it into submission. And the ability to be present and pay attention are simply offshoots of that. There are countless reasons why this is beneficial but my focus today is on the unique advantages that can be gained by learning to be powerfully present.
HOW TO STAND OUT IN A DISTRACTED WORLD
We live in a highly distracted society. People are distracted, and they expect others they interact with to also be distracted.
So when you can be absolutely and totally present with someone, they will notice.
I meet a lot of new people through business and the various personal activities I'm involved with. And it's immediately obvious which people are actually there with me, and which are thinking about what they had for breakfast or what they'll be having for dinner. There is a marked difference in their energy and personal magnetism.
It makes us feel special when people pay attention to us. And we want to spend time, and do business, with people that make us feel special.
Whether you want to build deeper interpersonal relationships, or grow your business network, this trait will be of immense value to you.
I had dinner last year with a good friend, and a friend of his, whom I hadn't met before. At one point during dinner I asked the new acquaintance a question, only to notice that he was in the middle of sending a message. He politely asked me to hang on for a minute, so he could finish his message and give me his full attention.
That was the perfect answer. Distractions can and do arise, but they don't need to dominate.
We all leave an impression on every single person we come into contact with. When we're aware of that, and aware of ourselves, we're able to leave the best impression possible. This isn't about projecting a photoshopped façade, it's about making sure others see our best side when we have the opportunity to show it.
This is such a simple, yet incredibly profound principle. Being powerfully present with others can and will change the way they view you. To say nothing of the profound benefits from increasing your own attention span and general ability to concentrate. Plus the personal equanimity that comes with being grounded in your own mind.
The benefits just keep multiplying.
Find ways to bring more presence into your own life and the way others view you, and the way you view yourself, will never be the same.