Unshackling the Mind

A couple years ago I attended a workshop on the topic of  "Decision Making". The gist of the presentation was how we are constantly faced with decisions, and how we can best respond to them. At one point, the presenter asked "If you were faced with two options, which were seemingly equal in the effort they would require and the potential outcome, how would you choose between them?"

My answer came immediately, and it surprised me:

I responded that, all other factors being equal, I would choose the option that scared me the most.

I've long been a proponent of doing things that make me uncomfortable but I was genuinely surprised that answer came out of my mouth. Looking back over my life though, I shouldn't have been.

Like many people, I've been in a lifelong struggle with my mind. I can't even begin to count the number of times I've wanted to curl up into a ball and hide, rather than go out to face the day. Self-doubt while I was still struggling to "make it", was replaced by imposter syndrome once I'd finally arrived. No matter how good, or bad, I was feeling, my mind was always there, whispering my doubts and insecurities back to me.

Perhaps in compensation, I also spent most of my life in "prove it" mode. First I wanted (needed) to prove wrong all the people that doubted me. I remembered all the snide and dismissive comments I'd heard over the years and I took solace in knowing I could rub their noses in it if we were to ever cross paths again. But I found that approach to be more destructive than helpful because I was putting my energy and attention on people and events that were no longer a part of my life, and reliving stories and emotions that made me weak.

Eventually, I turned my "prove it" mode inward. I realized that the only person I was truly competing against was a prior version of myself, and the only approval that really mattered was my own. I focused my attention, and intention, on my mind and began digging.

What I found was a perverse collection of misperceptions and outright lies I was repeating to myself on a daily, and often hourly, basis. Stories of victimhood and misunderstanding that left me as the tragic hero of my own fables. I had spent so many years trying to prove the doubters wrong, only to realize that I was my own biggest critic.

The upshot was that because my self-criticism was so strong, I knew exactly where I needed to attack.

I considered myself shy and introverted, so I signed up for multi-day conferences in remote locations where I didn't know anybody. This lead to the realization that, while I do treasure my time alone, my greatest strength is my ability to connect with others.

I had convinced myself that if I didn't have the discipline and determination to develop a six-pack in my twenties, there was no way it was happening in my thirties. In truth, it took until I was forty-one.

And I knew, without a doubt, that I was perfectly happy remaining anonymous. Yet here I am sharing some of the most intimate and vulnerable details of my life.

None of these decisions came easily, and all of them required a great deal of work. They took me far, far outside my comfort zone. The decisions, and the actions that followed, fundamentally changed me as a human being. They showed me that I don't need to bow down to my fears. In fact, they showed me that I needed to actively search out my fears, and do whatever those fears were pushing me away from.

Life is challenging enough, and the idea of purposely taking on additional hardship can seem ludicrous, even irresponsible. Yet most of the trials we go through are really just the same adversity, repeated again and again in different ways.  When we actively choose to face our fears and make ourselves uncomfortable, we are taking back our own power. We are refusing to let our minds dictate to us what we are, and aren't, capable of. That's true freedom.

So what are you afraid of? What thoughts cause your chest to constrict as the panic rises and the cortisol rushes through your veins? The next time that feeling shows itself, go deep inside of it. There is a powerful lesson waiting there for you. You only need the courage to find it, and act on it.